A Conservative Think Tank on Soccer

Well done U.S. soccer. Your athletic talents and endless training have finally landed you a respectable finish in an international tournament. But what's this? Gary Schmitt of the American Enterprise Institute doesn't think much of your win. Drawing on his experiences watching his kids' Little League games, he has determined that soccer is the sport that most frequently rewards underdogs with upsets. And because upsets reward the less talented and driven, soccer is un-American. Thanks to Mr. Schmitt's excellent analysis, it all makes sense. I used to think soccer was unpopular because the goals are few and the overtimes are interminable. But no, America is a superior nation that, unlike those lazy Euros and Brazilians, simply cannot stand watching a huge favorite go down in flames. Put another way, in Gary Schmitt's world, nobody hates the Patriots.